The Perfectionist’s Trap: How Cognitive Distortions Fuel Unrealistic Standards

By Kerry McCarthy, LPC, LAC

Why do we strive for perfection when we know it’s impossible to achieve? We lose valuable time fixating on small details in our work that only we notice, replaying conversations over and over in our minds wishing we could change a word or a phrase, or writing and re-writing a routine email. In striving for perfection, many people are left agonizing over the smallest details, attempting to gain control and avoid being seen as imperfect. Perfectionism, and the distorted thinking that feeds it, can offer only an illusion of control.

At its core, perfectionism is less about achieving excellence and more about avoiding feelings of inadequacy or judgement. The intense drive to achieve flawless results is often coupled with critical self-evaluation and fear of failure. This involves setting excessively high standards for ourselves or others, where even minor imperfections can feel like significant shortcomings. While perfectionism can sometimes fuel motivation and attention to detail, more often it leads to negative outcomes such as procrastination, burnout, anxiety, and dissatisfaction, as perfectionists struggle to meet the unrealistic expectations they set forth.[1]

Mindful Awareness & Cognitive Distortions

Recognizing the presence of perfectionistic tendencies is the crucial first step toward understanding and addressing them. Start by slowing down, allowing yourself to notice and observe your perfectionistic thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them: view them like cars passing outside your window. The process of noticing thoughts and feelings in a curious and non-judgmental stance is called mindful awareness. Mindful awareness is hypothesized to increase tolerance of difficult emotions and sensations, increase acceptance, and decrease recovery time from negative or uncomfortable experiences.[2] Awareness also allows us the opportunity to identify the cognitive distortions, or inaccurate beliefs and thinking patterns, that drive perfectionism. Cognitive distortions are faulty, inaccurate thinking patterns that influence how we perceive ourselves, others, and the world around us. Distorted thinking is common and can lead to inaccurate conclusions and heightened emotional distress. In the context of perfectionism, cognitive distortions play a central role by reinforcing unrealistic expectations and the belief that anything less than flawless is unacceptable.[3]

All-or-nothing thinking. This distortion encourages us to view situations in extremes, such as believing that something is either perfect or a total failure. A perfectionist might think, “If I don’t win this case, I’m a terrible attorney.”
Catastrophizing. Catastrophizing exaggerates how bad the situation will be, even when there is little evidence to support it. We expect the worst possible outcome even from minor setbacks. For instance, “If I miss this deadline, my reputation will be ruined.”
Mental filtering. Mental filtering focuses exclusively on negative aspects while ignoring positive achievements. A perfectionist may dismiss praise from a colleague and obsess over a minor critique.
Labeling. Labeling is where we define ourselves or others by a single event or characteristic. The mistake then becomes a part of their identity, a fixed label. Following an error, a perfectionist might think “I’m stupid,” or “I’m a failure.”

Challenging Cognitive Distortions

The practice of challenging cognitive distortions is not always easy and first requires identifying the unhelpful or inaccurate thought. Once identified, the thought must be questioned or reframed with ideas that are more credible and balanced.[4] Here are some effective strategies:

Identify the distortion: Recognize the distorted or inaccurate thinking pattern, whether it is catastrophizing, mental filtering or labeling. Consider writing it down to support you in better understanding or analyzing it.
Put your thoughts on trial: Ask yourself what evidence you have to support and contradict this thought. Are you ignoring evidence that doesn’t support this thought or belief?
Consider alternative perspectives: Imagine what a trusted friend or colleague would say about this situation or what you would say to that person if they were in a similar situation. Consider asking a trusted friend or colleague for feedback.
Replace absolutes: Challenge thinking in extremes by finding the middle ground. For example, if you are thinking, “I’m a total failure” consider replacing it with “Sometimes I struggle, and I am still learning and improving.”
Reframe the thought: Reframe the negative thought into a neutral or a positive one. For example, “I’m never going to be able to finish this project” can be “This is really challenging, and I am going to try my best to get this done.”
Practice self-compassion: Perfectionism often includes harsh self-criticism, so consider treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you would offer a friend. Remember that no one is perfect.

Perfectionism cannot offer control over all potential outcomes or how we are perceived. Instead, it fuels distorted thinking and is linked to procrastination, burnout, and anxiety.[5] By letting go of perfection as an ideal standard and challenging cognitive distortions, we engage in acceptance and allow space for growth, creativity, and authenticity. Embracing imperfection supports a more balanced perspective in moments when you get caught in the perfection trap. Know that you are not alone. As I sit here writing an article about perfectionism, I find myself worried that there might be a sentence that isn’t landing well or if there is a better example to use that will be more relatable. The journey away from perfectionism is challenging, but it is possible, and it is worth it. Put the pen down. Send the email. Embrace your imperfections.

For more well-being related strategies visit the Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program (COLAP) website at www.coloradolap.org or contact us at info@coloradolap.org or (303) 986-3345 to request a confidential, free well-being consultation.

[1] Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Ge, S. Y. J., Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., & Baggley, D. L. (2022). Multidimensional perfectionism turns 30: A review of known knowns and known unknowns. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 63(1), 16–31. https://doi.org/10.1037/cap0000288

[2] Arch, Joanna J., and Michelle G. Craske. “Mechanisms of mindfulness: Emotion regulation following a focused breathing induction.” Behaviour Research and Therapy, vol. 44, no. 12, Dec. 2006, pp. 1849–1858, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.12.007.

[3] Kelly, John D. “Your best life: Perfectionism—the bane of happiness.” Clinical Orthopaedics and Related Research®, vol. 473, no. 10, 3 Apr. 2015, pp. 3108–3111, https://doi.org/10.1007/s11999-015-4279-9.

[4] Friedman, Hershey H. “The thinking traps that ruin your happiness: How to recognize, challenge, and overcome cognitive distortions.” SSRN Electronic Journal, Dec. 2023, https://doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.4670101.

[5] Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Ge, S. Y. J., Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., & Baggley, D. L. (2022). Multidimensional perfectionism turns 30: A review of known knowns and known unknowns. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 63(1), 16–31. https://doi.org/10.1037/cap0000288