Social Comparisons: Motivations and Pitfalls

By  Maggie Kapitan, LMFT

               A colleague lands a high-profile client. A friend seems to effortlessly balance career and family. A family member’s garden flourishes. We tend to observe these occurrences and measure them against our own lives, asking ourselves: “Am I doing enough? How can I compete with that?”

               At times, we may feel that this spurs us on to do better, to rise to the competition. Other times this may fuel self-judgement, envy, or take away from our ability to feel connected to the targets of our comparison. Further, we may receive messaging that we should be competitive and compare ourselves to others, especially in the workplace. The question then becomes: is comparing ourselves helpful, or is it hurtful?

Why Do We Compare?

                Humans have been interested in the motivations for comparing ourselves to our peers for decades, if not longer. There is even evidence to support that social comparison is a foundational and fundamental part of human motivation: humans engage in comparison across cultures and identities.[1] We hope to look around and see that we measure up to those we are surrounded by and feel comforted by this. Perceived social status, specifically in relation to those we interact with most frequently, is linked to our well-being and life satisfaction.[2] We observe the state of our peers and compare it to our own in an attempt at self-evaluation and conformity[3]: “If they are doing so well, I must be lacking and should try to emulate their successes.”

Does It Help?

                Ideally, we would compare ourselves to someone who we perceive to be similar enough to ourselves and to use that information to gauge where we are doing well, where we can improve, and how to use that to guide our choices. When we use social comparison as an information gathering strategy to motivate our personal development, we are better able to judge our own competence and use competition to help meet the goals we set for ourselves.[4] Theoretically, if we compare ourselves to those we perceive to be worse than us, also called downward comparison, we should be able to boost and protect our self-esteem.[5] Conversely, we may boost our self-esteem by comparing ourselves to those we perceive to be better than us, also called upward comparison, if we feel we are close or very similar to them.[6]

Does It Hurt?

                While theoretically social comparison should fuel our competitive drive, thus creating the best version of ourselves, the primary flaw is that it relies on our biased and subjective perceptions, which can deviate from the truth.[7] We often struggle to have a realistic lens of ourselves and those we are comparing ourselves to, leading to faulty conclusions. Not only are we applying a faulty lens to our comparisons, once we do, there are significant correlations between social comparison and depression and anxiety symptoms.[8] Comparison becomes unproductive when it shifts from gathering information to criticizing our worth.

How To Be Intentional

• Notice what domains you engage in comparison the most. Maybe you find yourself engaging in comparison with your colleagues regarding their success, or your friends regarding their relationships. Consider why you are seeking comparative information in these domains: are you feeling secure about your choices in this area? If yes, how can you grant yourself validation and encouragement? If not, what changes would you like to see yourself make that align with what is important to you?
• Become your own comparative target. Remind yourself that you are an ever-evolving person. Your current self exists because of the growth, challenges, and experiences of your past self. It is valuable to remember that your journey is uniquely yours, and the best markers of change are within you. If your past self could get a glimpse of you presently, how do you believe they would feel? Would they be proud? Where might they encourage you to refocus? What would they be surprised by that you have accomplished?
• Evaluate your self-talk during moments of comparison. When you compare yourself to a peer, how do you speak to yourself? Do you become judgmental or harsh if you believe you do not compare? Notice if self-critical thoughts arise from social comparison and begin to challenge them with acceptance and encouragement. We cannot shame ourselves into who we want to be: compassion for ourselves is more motivating for growth.

It is unlikely that we will ever stop engaging in social comparison, and that need not be to our detriment. So how do we foster helpful, rather than hurtful, social comparison? If we can approach our tendency to compare ourselves to others with curiosity, rather than criticism, we can use the information we gain to help us further our growth and inform our decision-making.

For more well-being related strategies visit the Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program (COLAP) website at www.coloradolap.org or contact us at info@coloradolap.org or (303) 986-3345 to request a confidential, free well-being consultation.

About the author: Maggie Kapitan is a Clinical Coordinator for the Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program (COLAP). She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in the state of Colorado. Her clinical experience focuses on evidence-based treatment for trauma processing and PTSD, mood disorders, and relationship issues for individuals, couples and families.

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[1] Anderson, C., Hildreth, J. A. D., & Howland, L. (2015). Is the desire for status a fundamental human motive? A review of the empirical literature. Psychological Bulletin, 141(3), 574–601.             

[2] Anderson, C. Kraus, M. W., Galinsky, A. D., & Keltner, D. (2012). The local-ladder effect: Social status and subjective well-being. Psychological Science, 23(7), 764-771.

[3] Tor, A., & Garcia, S. M. (2023). The neuroscience of social comparison and competition. Cognitive, Affective & Behavioral Neuroscience, 23(3), 920–943.

[4] Newby, J. L., & Klein, R. G. (2014). Competitiveness reconceptualized: Psychometric development of the competitiveness orientation measure as a unified measure of trait competitiveness. The Psychological Record, 64(4), 879–895.

[5] Taylor, S. E. & Lobel. (1989). Social comparison activity under threat: Downward evaluation and upward contacts. Psychological Review, 96(4), 569–575.

[6] Collins, R. L. (1996). For better or worse: The impact of upward social comparison on self-evaluations. American Psychological Association Psychological Bulletin, 119(1), 51-69.

[7] Zell, E., Strickhouser, J. E., Sedikides, C., & Alicke, M. D. (2020). The better-than-average effect in comparative self-evaluation: A comprehensive review and meta-analysis. American Psychological Association Psychological Bulletin, 146(2), 118-149.

[8] McCarthy, P. A. & Morina, N. (2020). Exploring the association of social comparison with depression and anxiety: A systemic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 27(5), 651-789/